I have a few jokes written down that I thought some of you might enjoy. One is a retelling of a joke that I mentioned to Pete way back, updated with better set ups...but maybe not the greatest ending. The three I have ready are all variations of classics, updated with my own interpretations. Please feel free to post your own, but keep it somewhat tame, otherwise they may be edited by the mods.
Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room at a doctor's office. They begin chatting about what gender they expected their child to be when it's born. The first woman begins by saying, "Well, I was on bottom, so I am sure to have a boy!" The second woman replies, "Oh, I was on top, so I must be having a girl!" The third woman smiles and says. "I guess that means I'll be having a puppy!"
Two men were having a good time talking with each other, until they saw a local lawyer across the street begin to cross onto their side. Both men had turned away from the lawyer and were muttering about how they each had had unfortunate run-ins with this "blood-sucker" in the past, when they were suddenly surprised by the sounds of tires screeching behind them. They turned, just in time to see the lawyer land in a crumpled heap in the middle of the street, obviously dead. One man turns to the other and says, "It's a start."
Juan, a devout Catholic and mechanic by trade, had come to work early to start working on a client's car, which was reportedly leaking radiator fluid. Juan parked the car on the lift, lifted it up, and proceeded to crawl under the front to begin the repair. Unfortunately for Juan he failed to account for something, some of the fluid from the radiator wound up on the lift, causing the car's tires to slide forward and off the lift, crushing Juan underneath. Juan awoke fourth in line at the Gates to Heaven. In front of him was the Pope, Mother Teresa, and a lawyer. Juan lamented the fact that the Pope had died as well, and that Mother Teresa had been apparently waiting so long in line, but that was not his place to say such things, so he did not speak up. Saint Peter motions for the Pope to step through the Gate. There he is greeted by two angels who escort the Pope to a small dilapidated shack, near the edges of Heaven. Juan nods, and thinks to himself, "Yes, the Pope's piety is well known, but his humbleness brings tears of joy to my eyes!" and he weeps silently, a smile on his face. Saint Peter then motions for Mother Teresa, who's patience is rewarded by two angels leading her to a tiny, open-sided lean-to on the edges of Heaven. Juan nods once more, "Her piety is extraordinary!" He exclaims, catching the attention of the lawyer, who is now next in line. Saint Peter beckons to the lawyer, who, upon stepping through the Gate is immediately swarmed by throngs of angels, all praising Heaven and Earth alike, Heaven itself appears to brighten, trumpets sound, cheers of joy and celebration are everywhere as a never-ending parade of angels join the group leading the lawyer to a mansion that stretches across the whole of Heaven, end to end, and into Eternity. Juan is struck silent at first by the sight, but finds the courage to speak to Saint Peter, who is crying his own tears of joy at the sight. "Saint Peter!" he exclaims, to no avail. Juan clears his throat and speaks louder, "SAINT PETER!!!" finally catching the attention of the smiling Angel. "Saint Peter!" he begins, "What is going on here?! I mean (makes the sign of the cross), not to be insolent, but...the Pope himself hath only earned a small dilapidated shack...and on the outskirts of Heaven, no less!" Saint Peter replies, "Yes, the Pope is a very humble man, indeed." Nonplussed, Juan continues, "And Mother Teresa, she has waited in line so long, and hath only a leaking lean-to to sleep under!" To which Saint Peter replies, "Yes Juan, she is a very, very patient woman, and her piety is well known Here." Dumbfounded at these answers, Juan continues, "But that man, he is a lawyer, yes?" To which Saint Peter replies, "Yes Juan, a great man indeed!", at which the Angel turns back to the procession, and weeps once more. Juan stares at the Angel for what seems like an eternity, and finally exclaims, "How is it that the Pope and Mother Teresa are treated in such a way, while a lawyer is treated to all of God's love?....How can this be!!!" Saint Peter slowly turns to Juan, wipes his tears from his face, then replies, "Well Juan, if you stop and think for a minute you will see that we have dozens of Popes here, and thousands of patient people like Mother Teresa....but in all of Eternity, we had never imagined that we'd see a lawyer walk through those Gates!" Saint Peter continued, "But, it's understandable, Juan, that you have such questions, considering that we wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had thought to wipe the fluid off the lift. Now then, step on through for your fig leaf...you're holding up the line."
A councilor, part of a program rehabilitating prisoners, was confused with a recent conversation he had had with a very large black man known as "Iceman". He asked for some help from another councilor in deciphering it, as the information is required on the form he was filling out. "What's the issue?", he was asked. "I'm not quite sure what his cell mate's name is," he explained. "Oh? What did he say, exactly?" "Well, at first I thought his cell mate was a transsexual or something." "Why?" "Well, I asked about the rampant cell-phone smuggling issue in the prison, as required on the form, and he was very straightforward with me that his cell mate 'Betty" was holding on to a couple, but I wasn't allowed to ask the guy myself, Iceman wouldn't allow it and I didn't want to agitate him." "I understand. You did the right thing. So what is the issue? Just write down 'Betty' then." "Well, I had begun to, but then he said something immediately afterwards that really confused me." "And what was that?" "Well, he sounded confused himself, he said 'He Betty, or Hidai', so I'm guessing he might be Asian. I noted that on the form as a possibility." "Well yes, that is odd, Perhaps you could simply put both names on the form?" "I did actually, but now I have another concern, that for Betty/Hidai's, safety." "Oh yes, please tell me what happened." "Well it was rather rude actually. He apparently had a call to make and took Betty/Hidai, around a corner, out of sight, and I heard the man scream something awful." "Oh, how horrible!" "Yeah, I know. I just hate domestic violence."
OK, this is probably a fictional conversation, which makes for a hilarious joke, between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill: "Sir! You are a fat drunkard!" "And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning I, at least, shall be sober." "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink!" "Madam, if you were my wife, I would willingly drink it." I heard this wayyyy back in the 70s, and assumed it was an actual conversation. I've since seen numerous variations, and see that it may indeed by a work of fiction. Still funny though. De Orc may want to way in on this, and straighten us Americans out. Or confuse us even more. Whichever.
Last time I posted this joke was October of 2005. If there actually was a hell, this joke would get me a first-class reserve ticket straight into the bowels of the underworld. The scene: Jesus being crucified on the cross on top of the mount surrounded by Roman soldiers and a crowd of onlookers. In the crowd are the apostles and Mary. Peter is comforting a bereaved Mary while waiting for Jesus to die a painful death on the cross. Suddenly, Peter hears something over the crowd noise. ”Peeeeeeeeeter!” Peter says, “Oh, the last words of my Lord I must hear them.” Peter begins to run up the hill toward the cross when the Roman soldiers see him and knock him down and kick him and beat him until he rolls down the hill in a heap. He lays there for a couple of minutes when he once again hears, “Peeeeeeeeeeter!” He thinks to himself, “I must hear the last words on my Lord.” He picks himself up and begins to stagger up the hill again. About half way up, the Roman soldiers smash him in the face with a shield, beat him with spear handles and kick him down the hill where he lands on a pile of rocks and just lays there bleeding and beaten. Slipping in and out of consciousness he again hears a faint sound coming from the top of the mount. “Peeeeeeeeeeeter!” Peter’s faith and the undying love of his Lord somehow enable him to begin crawling up the hill again. He is covering only inches at a time but somehow manages to make it to the foot of the cross. He props up a small ladder that the soldiers have left beside the cross and struggles to climb high enough to hear Jesus’ last earthly utterances. As he nears the top of the ladder, he says, “Lord! Oh Lord! Please speak to me!” Jesus looks down and him and in a barely audible breath says, “Peeeeeeeeeeeeter!”………………………… . . . . . . . . . . . ..........................”I can see your house from here”
My son just told his mom that she's smart. I yelled at him: "Don't lie to your mother!" Anyone have a spare room?
