joke of the day.

Jim Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stopping nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

 

Places I Have and Have Not Been...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone.You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and mostly work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deepsh!t many times.And it seems the younger I was, the easier it was to get there.

 

Keep them coming. I get my daily laugh reading them. I missed them when you weren't posting them.

 

A guy goes to the doctors office and when the Doctor comes in the room and asks the guy what he is there for the man replies 'I am here to be castrated'.

'Castrated?', the Doctor asks, 'are you absolutely certain?'

The man responds that he is in fact sure. So the Doctor tells him to go home and think about it for 2 months and if he is still certain, return to the office and the Doctor would fulfill his wishes.

Two months later the man returns to the Doctors office and tells him that he is in fact sure. The Doctor doesn't understand but says he would do the surgery the next morning.

The man is admitted to the hospital and has his requested surgery. He is in the recovery room and begin coming around from the anesethic. He looks over to the bed next to his and says hello to the guy there. After a few minutes he says to his neighbor 'So what are you in here for?'

The other guy says 'I came in to be circumsized'

The guy stops in mid thought and screams ''oh no, thats the right word!'

 

I had a permissions problem so your posts went into moderation. I have fixed that now so keep these jokes coming.

I got caught picking my nose too.

 

LOL. I love it.

 

Biker Chilli

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If
you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place
and starts spoonin' it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a Dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

 

Where are you finding this stuff? LOL

 

The last few pictures I got from facebook friends. The jokes come from various sources.

 

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.

A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan , a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that
brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became
desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department
composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines
parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Vell,' said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,


'.....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck.'

 

Holiday safety
Out before the holidays. Be safe always.


Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by the @ssholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and sh*t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.


No need to thank me for this important message, I just thought it important that you should know.

 

This is so true.

 

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he
decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top
of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw
this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked
... closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started
thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one
good arm to do things with.

There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going
on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels
again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

 

A Couple of Groaners...

- One Christmas, Bob and John built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink.The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," said Bob to John, "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"



- Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd asked the second, "So, how's it going?"The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first one replied, "That's too bad, but don't lose any sheep over it."