joke of the day.

Gather round ladies, gentlemen, and tramps,
Crosseyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants.
Grab a chair and sit on the floor,
I'll tell you a new story that you've heard before.

One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords, and Shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
He came and killed those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the Blind Man. He saw it too.

 

Back on top form Old Salt !

 

I can't afford $10 extra.

 

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws theyve passed.

 

I'm just the conduit.

 

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."​

He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."​

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.​

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.​

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"​

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."​

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"​

​

​

 

One day in line for the automatic teller a lady overheard:

[Blond 1]: Gee, I don't get it..

[Blond 2]: What's wrong?

[Blond 1]: My card wont work now.

[Blond 2]: Did anything happen to it?

[Blond 1]: I don't think so... It hasn't been working very well for a while.

[Blond 2]: Try rubbing a magnet on the back and that'll recharge it.

[Blond 1]: I heard that too! So I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!

[Blond 2]: You probably just need to do it again...

 

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never donebefore - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

 

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

 

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the f--k do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f-----ing cat at home!!!

 

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

 

If the Vikes stay in Minnesota, they will need a new stadium with a retractable roof. This is a Kohler design....

​

 

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table

and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

Nothing beats a good Irish joke ----

Irishman Mike Murphy and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

 

Sorry, folks. Haven't been seeing any good (or even not-so-good) jokes lately.

 

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Small Talk...
I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht. Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that particular branch.
Not even looking up from her paperwork, she responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Last Words...

* Quick, they'll never find us if we hide here.
* Don't worry; it's not used any more.
* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
* So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
* Listen, I took a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
* Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
* It's ok so long as you stay down wind.
* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch?
* Hey, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
* I thought it tasted rather strange.
* Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
* Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.
* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
* I've never had one of these fail to open before.
* Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?
* It's okay ... I saw them do it on TV.
* Hey Bubba ... watch this sh....!

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Letter of Approval...

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied, "I'm writing to General Motors!"

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My Wishes for You in 2012...

* May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.

* May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills.

* May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!

* May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may
happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.

* May the problems you had forget your home address!

In other words words.....May 2012 be the best year of your life!

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The Outlaw Hitchhiker...

John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker... As they rode along he began to become suspicious of his passenger.
John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over the billfold, and John drove off.
When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she quickly interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, you left your wallet at home this morning?"

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Rules for Life...

Sometimes we just need to remember what the Rules of Life really are. Use them freely in 2012!!!

- Never give yourself (or anyone else) a haircut after a few beers.

- You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, "I apologize" and "You are right."

- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.

- Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"

- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about YOU.

- Money is nice, but you can't take it (or anything else) with you. Anything we have isn't really ours; we just borrow it while we're here.

- Be really good to your family and/or friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

- If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you may as well laugh about it now.

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Its not my Fault...

It's not my fault I got detained by the Airport TSA agent when she steered me into the full-body scanner and yelled out, "If you've got anything in your pants you will have to take it out and hold it in your hand!"

.... Geez, she could have been more specific!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Pearly Gates...
Three men are waiting to enter heaven and are standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter informs them that due to a shortage of good people in the world, they have to do some work in heaven.

They all agree and St. Peter asks the first man his IQ.

"155," he says.

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "OK, while you are in heaven you are going to be working in our quantum physics and applied particle physics lab." He asks the second man his IQ.

"100 even," was his reply.

St. Peter looks in his book and says, "You'll be working in our industrial and technical productivity center." He asks the third man his IQ.

"30," was his response.

"Excuse me. Did you say 30?"

"Yep," he stated proudly.

St. Peter looked in the big book. He looked at the man. He looked in the book again and finally after a few moments asks the man, "Were you a U.S. Senator or a Congressman?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Sez, She Sez...

She: "I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!"

He: "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revival Time...

There was a large revival meeting on the outskirts of town, and at the appropriate corner there was a large sign proclaiming the following:

"If you are weary of sin and want to be saved, turn here, go 100 yards, and come into the revival tent."

Below the sign someone had hung another smaller one, which read:

"If NOT weary, call Cheri: 555-3550."

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At the Supermarket...

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and my wife sent me to stock up. Once at the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry. So I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

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Saturday Chores...
A homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week...

He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The husband thought for a moment, then answered, "Well, the lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

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A Life Sentence...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sleeping together.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "Well, I was coming down to kill you!"